Anonymous accounts of how Body Dysmorphic Disorder ( BBD) feels

It feels like being locked in a prison that you can never escape- with the prison being your own physical body as well as your mind.  I’ve struggled with BDD for years and it has affected my life negatively in every way possible. My mood and emotional state depends completely on how I feel about my physical appearance during that point in time. It has caused horrible fights with my husband because he feels completely powerless and that his reassurance of my looks is not important. I felt so hideous and fat several days before my wedding that I hit myself in the face over and over again with a paddle brush to the point it broke across my eyes, leaving me with a giant black eye for my wedding. It was covered up with makeup, but surprisingly I didn’t care at all about it. All I could think about was how big my arms looked, or that my nose looked crooked. I continue to beat myself up physically and mentally on a regular basis. It could be cutting, burning, biting, bruising, scratching, etc across the areas I focus on (which sadly happen to include my face) and/or taking a Sharpie and writing words like, “FAT, HIDEOUS, WHALE, KILL YOURSELF” along my arms, chest, and stomach. I’m usually always running late because I can not stop staring/trying to fix my appearance before leaving the house. Sometimes it will be days before I step outside due to my paralyzing fear of being judged for my looks.

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