Please read Chapter 2 here:
Chloe’s Diary Chapter 2
Sunday August 3rd
“Rien ne pese tant que un secret.” ~La Fontaine
I’ve been wondering around by candlelight, looking for a place to make my haven and solitude. I didn’t think I would suffer as much as I am with all these strange and volatile vibes swirling and penetrating my head and body like tidal waves, drowning and suffocating. The others don’t understand how overwhelming it gets sometimes, why would they? They don’t have my gifts, which despite my mama trying to tell me, I still see sometimes as a curse. Lee tries, bless him and I love him all the more for his unconditional love and regard.
This room is the least affected of all the ones I entered last night. This building is rife with life; past, present and future. I can’t distinguish yet, who belongs where, but I hear their voices all around me, some of them screaming, some whispering. Some are laughing, some silently sobbing. I can’t help all of them but I will try my best, once I have slept a while and recharged my batteries; grounded my energies and balanced my emotions. Found Chloe again.
Lee helps me a lot with this, but Casey’s here now so his attentions have gone elsewhere. That’s fine too, I mean I can’t expect to have him to myself all the time, can I? As much as I love him, and as much as I want to keep him close, he’s not mine to dream of in this way.
I can’t stop thinking of that night when he told me, if he hadn’t met Casey that summer, he would be honoured to be my boyfriend. How much did I die with happiness and sadness in equal measure when he spoke those words in his haze of red wine and French Jazz?
But, as he said, you can’t choose who you fall in love with. The head doesn’t decide. The heart does.
il a volé mon coeur!
I’m not a selfish person. I learned this from my mama who always says that you can’t play with destiny. She keeps telling me that, although it may break my heart, I have learned what kind of man I like and she says I will find someone like Lee who loves me, for me. And he will know it as soon as he meets me. I really hope so because he has set the bar real high, mon amour.
It’s so hard though, with him being so tender and caring towards me. Like this evening when I got freaked out when Joel and Si started shouting. He sat with his arm round me and seemed to know exactly what to say to make me feel better. I just wanted to fold myself away in him along with all my fears. I catch myself rejoicing in it, but then I see him being like it with Anna and Casey. Basically he’s like it with everyone, that’s just how Lee is. So warm. A beautiful guy. Casey’s a lucky girl.
Today has been trying on many levels. The building is draining me, the fights between the guys are draining me and so are the constant heart wrenching emotions of not being the one. It’s easier when he’s in London in our house, because he doesn’t display this aura of being in love and all mushy like he does when Casey’s around. It’s so hard to see it. Every time he hugs her or kisses her, it feels like I get kicked in the heart. Last night I slept as far away from them as I could because the thought of such close proximity was torture. l’amour est agonie….
But, I want the best for him and want him to be happy. That’s true love. Not some messed up revenge tactic. That’s why I want to get to know her, be her friend. She’s awesome and it’s not hard work. If I’m honest, I also want to keep the enemy close, not that she is the enemy in that way, but I just want to know what’s going on with them. That’s probably really dangerous and self -destructive and if I told my Mama she would tell me to stop it immediately, but I can’t. At least it stops everyone getting suspicious about my feelings for Lee, it’s like, the best cover up act ever cos who in their right mind would do that? I’m not afraid of my messed up side, the dark side of the sun. Yin and Yang, black and white. Yin is my dark, passive and feminine side. Yang is my light, active, and masculine side. They all think I’m the Yang. Well, I’m not, as any Wiccan would know. For the sake of Lee, I will supress it. I will not use any kind of magic or wishful meditation. He’s my best friend and that’s more important. His voice and being is my light in the depths of darkness. Sa voix est ma lumière dans l’obscurité de la nuit.
My candles are burning nicely, casting warm shadows around my little sleeping area. It’s a bit chilly because the big window has lost most of its glass, but I’ve got my sleeping bag and blankets. It’s peaceful so my head and soul can breathe. That’s all I need at the end of a day. Space and peace and time to find my centre again, to cast off everyone else’s woes and anxieties that stick to me, pull me down and drown me. I also need to put my ‘devious machivations’ as my mama calls them, out of my mind until tomorrow. There’s an owl somewhere outside. He’s lulling me to sleep. I can hear him when the wind rests.
I think I have managed to impress Si as well, which is a weird turn of events. I mean, I know we’re friends but I irritate him a lot, he gets all short tempered with me when I break things or when I say something that he deems to be ‘hippy dippy’ and he does that mocking peace sign and rolls his eyes at me. I didn’t think we had a lot in common, except an address, but it turns out we do. He likes some of my favourite French philosophers and writers. I think Simon is an interesting guy, a little scary looking, but looks aren’t everything and it’s dangerous to judge people on that premise. I know he’s got a thing for Anna, so I don’t think he’ll see me beyond his desire for her, but who knows? He’s Lee’s closest friend, Lee knows him well and loves him. He must be a good guy then. Also, focussing on him will take the heat off the way I must be behaving around Lee. I can’t believe no one has noticed! Maybe I’m a good actress, maybe I’m like Lena Duchannes in Beautiful Creatures! Although everyone thinks I am the spit of Serafina Pekkala in The Golden Compass. Maybe because she’s French as well, I don’t know.
In fact, Anna did mention Si a lot this afternoon when I was putting those beads in her hair for her. She was like, ‘Do you think Si’s film is going to work out?’ and ‘It’s nice to see you and Si getting along better these days.’ (like, ‘these days’ has been literally two conversations in the space of the same amount of days. Not even two!)
I felt so sorry for Casey as well, when she found out about Lee having to go to work. She was absolutely gutted, the vibe was radiating in white heat off her. I think it’s a bit extreme to get so freaked out about a few hours away from him, but then again, he is leaving her on her own here. I tried to convince her that Annabelle isn’t in love with Lee, but she doesn’t believe me, I can sense it. If only I could tell her the truth! I can’t break Anna’s confidence, that’s not on. I would never do that to anyone. If Annabelle wants her to know, she can find a way of telling her. It’s not mine, or Lee’s business to tell her.
I’m so drained. I need to sleep. There’s so much going on in this place, what with that weird girl we saw and all the issues everyone’s got. It’s hard for me, being so sensitive, but that’s my gift and I can’t help that. I just need to get more sleep and do some more meditation. At least now I’ve found this (cold) room, I can do it with no interruptions. Then I can help everyone. Starting tomorrow. We’ll get Si’s film started, I’ll have another talk with Anna about Michael and what she’s going to do about her parents. I might suggest she lodge with my mama cos she’s got a spare room. And she loves Anna and wouldn’t want rent or board. Although, that would mean we’d have to find someone else for her room at The Feral. I don’t know. See what tomorrow brings. Maintenant, Je prends de la hauteur…….Now I am breaking away…….