Please read Chapter 2 here:
Annabelle’s Diary~ Sunday August 3rd
So tired. I haven’t slept well at all since I got here, to this pile of stinky bricks that they all seem so fascinated by. It just reeks in every nook and cranny. Totally grossed out.
I’m sitting up against the only patch of wall that’s not being eaten alive by mould and crap knows what insects. I tried to clean this room this morning but it’s far beyond salvation. I tried to find a cleaner one, but no luck. I scrubbed the floor and put all the old furniture and junk outside on the balcony which looked like it was about to cave. Then I tackled the shower room which is two rooms down the corridor from here. Fucking hideous. I will be glad when this two weeks is over and I can go and hibernate in my own room again. My lovely, spotless room!
I bumped into Lee and the wonderful Casey as they were going in for showers. Talk about hostile! What’s wrong with her? What did I ever do to her skinny little ass that warrants such a crabby bitch attitude? Lee would have helped me if she hadn’t have been there and he would’ve let me rant and cry and then made me feel better like he always does. But fucking no. Casey, Casey, Casey.
Si came in as well while I was scrubbing. I think he wanted to talk but I was in no fucking mood, really. I know I should have cleared the air, but I was mid freak out about the amount of germs I was breathing in, my skin was crawling enough as it was without having to relive that night we had together. They say amnesia is a reaction to trauma, well I think that’s what I’ve got about that night. I was also absolutely wankered, which doesn’t help the brain cells either. Thank the hell I was. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him as a mate, it’s just that sleeping with him was so ridiculously dumb on my part. I knew he was in love with me and I needed validation and some kind of ego boost. It didn’t work, though and in the morning I just wanted to slip into a hole and die of total humiliation. Lee told me I broke him. Fuck. I should have talked to him this morning. You dick, Anna.
Then my Mother texted me. Oh joy. Why are you ignoring Michael? I could feel the bitterness and malice radiating out of my phone from her bony, perfectly manicured fingers that had typed those stupid, pathetic words. Yeh, Good morning to you as well you utter bitch. I didn’t answer and about two minutes later 3 missed calls from her. She can go ski cos that baggage isn’t going to manipulate me like that. He has no doubt fed her his normal bullshit about me being frosty and not wanting to spend time with him this summer or go on holiday with him again to Portugal, like we did last summer. Oh I wonder why not, when he decided that seeing as he had paid for it, I should pay him by being his punch bag. Literally. I looked stunning on the beach after that. Yeh. Covered up with a sarong and t-shirt because of the bruises. And then he had the fucking nerve to get at me for embarrassing him!
So mother dear that’s why I am ignoring Michael. And mother dear, the fact that you choose to believe him over your own daughter, just because he runs around in your social circle and you are ‘friends’ with his Mum, makes you ignored as well. I know, I can’t go on like this indefinitely because as soon as Dad finds out (through both of them spouting utter verbal diarrhoea in his face about me) he will be out to get me. Either I will have to go home (home, my arse) or write them all off completely. Then? Goodbye Art Degree. Where will I go? No money, no rent, no house……….
I couldn’t eat breakfast after that. Everyone thinks I’ve got an eating disorder or something because something always cracks off before I’m due to eat and puts me right off eating. It’s stressing me out so much not knowing what’s going to happen to me. I need a light for the end of my tunnel…..smoking and drinking helps to block the darkness out but it doesn’t solve anything. Lee keeps asking me to stop getting so wasted. I can’t help it though, I don’t know what else to do.
Now, he’s all loved up with the Violet Madam, so I can’t even talk to him. I wanted to talk to him so badly at breakfast but he was totally all over her. I left with my coffee and went to smoke myself stupid outside. Chloe came out then and I talked to her about my Mother’s text and how Michael keeps threatening to find me. She reckons I should call the police, but then what? I’ve got no proof cos my bruises have gone. He hasn’t had chance to hit me again because I’ve been living at the Feral House with my tribe. I told her I would wait until this fortnight has gone by, enjoy (try) my time here and see what’s round the corner. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want her or anyone else to know the extremities of this situation with my parents because it’s just awful. I am so ashamed of where I’m from, the hypocrisy and the fakery of the life I was brought up in. All the money and gifts in the world don’t make up for how my parents have treated me. Like shit. I would rather be an orphan.
And then I was supposed to get excited about a friggin’ sofa with crap scrawled all over it? Jesus how lame? Si was all over this heap of shit, like it was a contemporary work of art genius. Come on! It’s a fucking manky old sofa that squatters have gouged up and smeared up. The actually room is cool I guess, only because it means we don’t have to stand out in the cold in the early hours of insomnia and freeze our tits off. Why are they all getting so buzzed up about this place anyway? I do not get what Casey was on about with that UBERX or whatever it was. Seriously, do people really explore heaps of shit like this as a hobby? WTF, man. Just what the actual fuck. It makes my skin not only crawl, but feel like I need to rip it off me. Infected, venomous, contagious. I needed Lee for reassurance again, but he was all about it, so I decided to try and get into the spirit of the whole juvenile game and found Si’s quote. Wow. How clever of me. Not.
What a pretentious prick he can be, I mean really? Why do we have to write quotes on the sofa? For what? Why, god damn it, why? Then they started lip flapping about philosophy again and I thought my brain was going to implode with boredom. Chloe was weird, I have never seen her like that before, it was almost like she was trying to impress Si. Yes, impress SIMON. Oh yes, I read French philosophy, je suis merveilleux!! Embrasser mon cul! She’s not the only one who can speak French hahahahaha!
I had to put my truepenny’s worth in about freedom. Why quote some dead guy when all you have to do is look around you and examine your own life a little closer ! Hello, you swellheaded prick, we can all be philosophers! We will never be free, even if we live in caves and go back to hunter and gatherer society, still not free. There will always be some social straight jacket to wear, especially for women. Shut the hell up and get on with trying to sort your lives out instead of blabbing about what some ancient goon reckons.
Then the filming. Oh my sweet lord, what the crap is Si trying to achieve? I switched off completely when he started spouting about some French dude. Seriously, again? I get what he’s trying to do, he’s trying to shock and challenge, but doesn’t he get that you don’t have to use sex and violence to do that. There are so many other less obvious ways. But it’s not my film, it’s not my (very very) late end of year project. Mine’s done and handed in thanks. Knock yourself out Si, be my guest, but don’t expect me to get in front of that lens.
During the ‘briefing’ more texts came through from the dragon and Michael, so those kept my mind firmly off all the testosterone in the kitchen and Chloe’s squeaky voice still trying to kiss ass with her knowledge of obscure French films. Michael said he is going to hire some PD to find me. Hahahahaha! You complete tool. Go ahead and try. The thing is, if he does find me, he isn’t going to take me in his arms and say, Darling where have you been, my sweet, my rose petal. Nuh nuh nuh. Fuck I hope he’s not serious.
But, Lou texted me, so I cheered up slightly. We had a bit of a blue yesterday about my being here for two weeks, but I explained why and all was coolios. Then it was all about why we can’t spend time together here. With my mates, here?……I think a no would be the answer to that. I had to try and explain that as well, I said that we are all stressed out about the filming and I need to help out. Bullshit, but the truth is, I’m not ready to face all the issues that being here together would create. Si doesn’t know about us, for a start. I would rather keep this relationship separate from my house mates. For now at least.
But I miss it like crazy, mad and crazy.
I’m taking the guys into London tomorrow, so we might get chance to be together for a while. Let’s fucking hope so. I need some happiness, even if only for an hour or so.
So later on, I tried to clean the room a bit more and had a shower. I texted Lou and explained what’s going on tomorrow. So hopefully I can leave the guys and scamper off for a while. We were both well happy.
I had a drink and smoked a bit on my own, just thinking about Simon and how Chloe had been flirting with him big style. I can’t believe that! Then I got to thinking what Lee sees in Casey and it started to do my tree in so I went to find Chloe. She has found a nice room upstairs, where I didn’t think to look. It’s huge, and it’s got a bed (although I wouldn’t lay on it even if someone paid me like, a gazillion quid!) and an old wardrobe. The huge windows are all smashed in so I don’t know what she plans to do if it rains. We sat and talked for a while and she put some nice little beads into my dreads that she had found in some market. I tried to get her to talk about Si but she kept stalling. Sure fire way to prove she does like him!
We went downstairs to get something to eat and I exchanged formalities with Si in there. He did smile, but we just can’t seem to get back to how we were pre-sexfestofnightmareproportions. Joel was on about tattoos and how he wants a new one, get this. He wants a hammer with a nail going into his arm. You dweeb. He started on about mine again but he isn’t going to see them. Ever. Specially as two of them cover up scars from when I used to cut.
Then, good news. Well, not for Lee. He has to go to work every evening as some geezer has let his boss down at the bar. Oh dear. Casey’s face was raged up when they came in and then when Si found out, he went fucking ballistic. Poor Lee. Si stormed out and slammed the door. It very nearly flew off its rusty hinges. Lee then almost begged me for lifts there and back, like it was some hideous monstrosity of a favour. Nuh huh, it’s great! I get to talk to my best bud and get to stay in London while he works. It’s not worth coming back here and then going back out again late at night. So, I get approximately 5 hours with Lou as well……..chuffed!
Not much else happened. Oh yes, except I upset The Violet One. I couldn’t help it. Chloe got upset cos Joel and Si had another barny. Si stormed out (again) and Lee went to comfort Chlo. Casey looked mortified so I just casually said something like You’re not the only one he loves. I don’t know where the hell it came from, but she looked like she was going to trash the place and she couldn’t stand up properly. Then next thing I saw, she was legging it out of the room. I told Lee she had gone to the loo and he carried on talking to Chlo. You are such a bitch Anna! I wonder if Si and her were together out there somewhere? Now, that would make life thoroughly interesting!
Knackered……at least I get to see Lou tomorrow.