Please read Chapter 2 here:
Simon’s Diary ~ Sunday August 3rd
Against my better judgement I have ended up in a room across the hall from Casey and Dez, in the ‘annex’ as they call it. I can’t hear them and they can’t hear me, (fucking hopefully) which is cool because as obsessed as I am with her right now, I don’t want to hear them having sex. I don’t want to hear how much she loves my best mate. I am burning up inside and I can’t seem to control how I feel about her. It’s against everything I believe in to supress my urges like this, but in this fucked up situation I can’t do anything else. She loves him, she told me. To her, that means everything. I told her that I needed to hear her say that she feels the same about me, and to my shock, she did. I lied. I think I lied. I said I felt better knowing it but now, on my own in here with her so near yet so far, I hate that she said it. I wish I had never met her. She is consuming me and I am losing my mind.
Yes, so I crept in after they came up to bed, tried a few doors but this one seemed stuck, not locked. I pushed it hard and it squeaked but no one stirred in their room, so I switched on my torch and walked in. There’s a bed in here, not too grubby, so I am in my sleeping bag in the dark, just the light of the torch to write.
Things are not going well. I mean, we haven’t even started filming yet and it’s Monday tomorrow. They just want to party and fight and act like dickheads. Even Dez has announced that he’s leaving to go to work evenings, which I went mental about at the time and stormed off on him, I was livid. I thought I could count on my dude to help me out of this mess, but other things take priority. He’s explained why and I think we got it all sorted in the end. I over reacted, but these days I seem to do that all the time. I want to rage at everyone for nothing. God help me when I get something really serious to get pissed about. I might snap necks. What the fuck is going on with me?
The day started ok I guess. I was well keen to show the sofa and the mammoth window to the guys before we got our teeth into this project, but they were being lazy pricks. The only ones who were up and doing stuff were Chloe and Anna, but Anna wasn’t up for talking as usual these days, as I found out when I went into the shower room for a shower, funnily enough, and she was scrubbing like a lunatic. She said good morning and I asked her if she was ok but she gave me a slight smile and turned away. Chloe was cooking breakfast when I went in the kitchen to get a drink and seemed a bit zoned out. Dez and Casey were asleep in the Chanders room, all tucked up and wrapped around each other like creeping ivy. I stood there staring like a moron until Joel woke up and asked me what the fuck I was doing and called me a perv. Stupid dick. He doesn’t understand anything about emotions or jealousy. Money buys him whatever he wants, or should I say, Daddy’s money buys him anything he wants. I went back to the shower room but she was still fucking cleaning. I know she’s got OCD but Jesus, she was cleaning all the sinks and cubicles. Weird. I watched her for a bit and found myself feeling nothing for her. My feelings diminished like a pin prick bursting a balloon. The pin was the feeling of shock as I realised Casey had whitewashed all that I had felt for Anna and left a stark red piercing dagger in the heart instead.
I went back to the sofa for a fag to calm down and Joel was in there, sprawled out on the sofa already smoking, his eyes closed. He was hungover again and I didn’t get much out of him, but told him to tell the others I wanted to talk to them as he peeled himself off the sofa and walked, zombie-like, towards the door. I had a smoke and prepared myself to face the lovers in the kitchen.
Joel was on his way in so I followed his slumped ass in. There was Casey sitting next to Lee, a steaming plate of Chloe’s mashed up hippie swoggle in front of her. She looked frigging gorgeous in her just out of the shower way. Her violet hair was wet and gathered up messily on top of her head, strands of it falling over her eyes and around her lovely neck. Her legs were up, pressed against the table top and she was leaning on Dez, fork dangling between her fingers. She caught my eye and I smiled at her, testing the water a little as I was aware I’d given her a sly, kind of suggestive smile. The fact that Dez was right there didn’t bother me and I knew there and then that I was likely to fuck up big style with him over her. She beamed back at me and that was when I knew. She held the smile longer than was necessary. It became flirty. Very, very suggestive.
Later on in the Balcony room, I showed them all what I’d found. I thought they’d be a bit more enthusiastic but in hind sight they were all hung over. Joel was just saying sarcky shit throughout, Anna was just defaulted and narky. Even Dez was all about the ‘mould’, that was until he realised it was art and then couldn’t be dragged away from it. He even broke away from Casey’s grasp on his hand to look at it more closely. Wow, the Siamese twins do separate.
Chloe surprised the living shit out of me, liking Camus and Bataille. I mean, it’s amazing how two people can live together yet know jack shit about each other. I know that she’s a Wiccan and that she has very intense views on Veganism and the environment. I know that she is as clumsy as fuck because I am always hearing crashing emanating from areas in the house. Chloe has fallen down the stairs, Chloe has smashed a plate, Chloe has fallen up the stairs. To be honest, I have always found her usage of French in English sentences to be really fucking pretentious, even though Dez has told me like a gazillion times that she can’t help it. I find her irritating, too nice, too floaty and naïve, always nauseatingly seeing the good in everything and being over-positive. It’s not real, love. Life is shit. People are shit and the world is dark. Get used to it!
But I must say, I am impressed by her. To read and like Bataille means she does appreciate the bleaker side of humanity and our innate but denied impulses as human beings. And she has read The Eye, which is a major biggie as far as controversial literature is concerned. I forget, she has a French mother and French culture is more open to these atrocities that make up human behaviour and desires. I need to make more of an effort with Chloe. I think I have misjudged her a lot. I reckon she’s going to be very helpful in my filming as she’s got a really good grasp of what I’m trying to do. The others were all freaking out about my references to De Sade and violence, even though I’ve explained to them that I want to make a film that shocks, the violence I want to portray has a reason. Like Artaud’s Theatre of Cruelty, I want to bring the viewer into the film, to make them feel like they are the ones committing the violence. I want to open up their emotions and reactions to things that have become common place and desensitised by our media. The way that violence is presented in films is generic and people just turn off from it. My film will dig around in the viewer’s psyche and unravel disturbing feelings, because the film will be about the truth of love and how it can be the darkest, most dangerous emotion to feel. I don’t care if they don’t like it. They agreed to help and so Joel needs to shut the hell about how our course is focussing more on the techniques of film making and that I won’t pass the assignment by, what did he say exactly? Oh yes. ‘Sucking up to obscurity and plagiarism just to be arty and pompous.’ What in the holy shit in heaven is that guy on about? Turd.
And at least Chloe cares about how I’m feeling. She came outside to find me after I’d stormed off on Dez. I was sitting on the wooden surround of a mouldy Gazebo that I’d found earlier nestled in an overgrowth of rancid looking weeds. I was so fucked off, having smoked like, ten cigarettes in the space of five minutes. I was so ready to just tell all of them to fuck off out and to film it on my own, using myself as the only actor. (Not a bad idea actually!)
Yes, so she sat next to me and I nearly choked on that weird perfume she wears, it’s like having my nasal passage rammed full of daisies or jasmine. My gran wears that shit. Anyways, she was really nice (as usual) but this time I needed it. She asked me how I was feeling in general and told me what her Mum had said about the after- shocks of trauma. I knew it but it was comforting to hear that I am not completely shrivelled and that it’s a natural reaction to a bad car crash. She suggested some natural sedatives to help me sleep, can’t remember the name now, but she’s going to give me some. They won’t work anyway, nothing does for me except alcohol, but that’s not a great way to go. The others, well except Dez, seem to think that drink solves everything. It doesn’t. It makes everything worse.
She got me to think about Dez’s side of the bargain and how tough he’s got it at the moment. I felt bad after that so I went in to find Dez and we had a buddy to buddy convo about all sorts. He’s so cool, I wish I could be more like him but I haven’t got the patience, the compassion or the empathy that he’s got. He’s going to make an awesome Counsellor one day. Personally, I think that him and Chloe ought to get together cos they are both so gentle and peace loving, wanting the whole world to be happy. Casey isn’t like that, I feel. She’s more like me, self- absorbed, selfish and out for her own pleasure and hedonism in life. I get the feeling that she’s going to get bored with Dezzo some day soon, but that’s not my call. He loves her so much, it’s sickening! Lucky bastard.
Oh yes, I almost forgot about the ‘ghost’ they’ve seen, it’s hilarious! I mean come on. Ghosts do not exist, how can they? Once we die, we chuffing die. End. Nada. Fin. What the hell they’ve seen, I really don’t know. I checked with Drewman and he said it’s free of squatters, so who’s in here? Maybe if I sleep here every night, I’ll see who it is. I wouldn’t put it past Joel to be pranking them all, the loser. I’ll find out one way or another. Another thing I forgot was that I found a new piece of art on the sofa earlier. I don’t know, I’m not 100%, but I don’t think it was there before. It’s new and it smudged a bit when I touched it. Someone wrote it and didn’t tell us all. I need to find out tomorrow.
Casey. Oh fuck man, why can’t I stop seeing her face? I can still feel the soft pressure on my hips from her hips as she hugged me. I was tempted to just force myself on her there and then, but I told myself to keep it under check. Oh my God, the way she folded her body into mine. I wanted to bite her. Consume her like she has been consuming me. It took all my strength to stop myself from pushing her down onto that sofa and ripping her clothes off her body. Why can’t the world be simple? We should all be able to explore our instincts with no regrets. We should live by the philosophy of De Sade. I wanted to whisper in her ear that awesome quote of his:
‘……people who have never dared to look into the depths of their soul, never attempted to know the origin of that desire to unleash the wild beast, or to understand that sex, pain and love are all extreme experiences. Only those who know those frontiers know life; everything else is just passing the time, repeating the same tasks, growing old and dying without ever having discovered what we are doing here.’
I want her to understand this. I want her to agree and admit that she’s a free spirit that doesn’t want to be tied down by the constraints of society and its ‘morals’ that mean nothing. I just want a chance to teach her this. Then she might see that loving Dez to the point of denying herself all the experiences life and sex has to offer is not healthy, not at 18 years old. Dez would go mental if he knew. He doesn’t agree with my views anyways and has told me so to my face. Fair enough, if he wants to go through life with one girl, one road travelled when there are highways, forest paths, city streets and mountain tracks to explore. I get he is possessive about her, so would I be, but if you love something, let it go. We are too young for putting our birds into cages.
Shit, I think someone just got up. There are voices in the hall outside the room. Casey’s laughing. Dez is laughing. Oh man, go to sleep, Si. I know, music, that’s what I need. That will drown it all out…….