Chapter 2~ Personal diary entry~ Lee

Please read Chapter 2 here:

Lee’s diary ~Sunday August 3rd

I am lying here cuddled up to Casey by the light of a candle. It’s so quiet up here, all I can hear is the distant hoot of an owl and a gentle breeze caressing the walls before it sings its way through the holes in the window frames. Casey’s ‘nocturnal music’ as she calls it, is humming out from somewhere, her eyes are closed but her head is nodding to the whispering beat. Her head is pressed against my chest so it’s a little difficult to write. This is more like a scrawl. We’re all snug under the sleeping bag so I want to write a bit about what has happened since we’ve been here. I just don’t get it some of it.

Yesterday, I swear I saw a girl crouched down on the balcony, looking at me like she had been the one seeing a ghost. I tried to wake Case up to see her too, ‘cos you know how it is when you’re still half asleep. You doubt what your eyes are telling you. By the time I had woken her, the girl had gone, which put the shitters up me totally. I was thinking, if it was a squatter, at least I’d be able to rationalise it and well, talk to her. But, the fact that she just disappeared? Weird. I didn’t let on to Casey how shit scared I was because she keeps saying how much she loves sleeping in the annex. I let it go, until Case and Chlo saw a girl last night. So I’m feeling a bit edgy right now, can’t sleep thinking about her face. I remember her black eyes, but not just like you say, she’s got brown eyes. The whole area around her eyes was sunken in like she hadn’t slept for days and it was like she had smeared her eyes with coal or soot. Creepy and disturbing.

It’s peaceful now. I don’t think she’s around whoever she is. It’s sketchy, but  I am training to be a Counsellor, a therapist, to help people heal. Yeh, she may be a spirit, a ghost or whatever, but if I see her again I’ll try. I’ll try and talk to her. See if I can help her move on. Whatever I can do.

Tomorrow is going to be horrific. I’ve got to go to work. I mean, as if it’s not bad enough that Mick has been treating me like utter shit the last few months, now I have to cover for Steve and Matt. Steve can go swanning off on holiday at the drop of a hat and it’s ok? I will cover even though only a day ago Mick was swearing at me and telling me I’m a useless prick. I haven’t told Casey this. She would be going there right now and giving him a right tongue of it and a punch in the mouth. She suggested coming with me but I can’t subject her to his sexist comments and disgusting attitude. She would probably deck him. She would go on and on about me quitting, I’m sure, but I need this job desperately. Another thing she doesn’t fully comprehend is how much it costs to study in London. I mean I have to pay out for my college fees for Counselling as well as expenses and rent. My loan doesn’t even cover half of it. All because my Dad couldn’t be arsed to fill in the loan application information properly with his fucking pride getting in the way again, just as it does in every aspect of his life. What use was it, him claiming he earns twice as much as he actually does? What, to save face? Now I get a pittance. Cheers pops.

I’m worried about everyone. I know I shouldn’t always be the one worrying. Studying to be a therapist has taught me that above all we should look after ourselves or we can’t help others. I told my tutor during my last supervision that I was finding it hard to turn off from Clients and that I can’t seem to switch off after the end of the day and go home and let it go. I have to learn how to. Chlo says I have to, it’s the first skill that Counsellors have to grasp or they’ll get eaten up by other people’s anxieties and troubles. I have spoken to Chlo’s mum about it as she’s a Psychiatrist. She has given me some meditation exercises to do but up to now, nope. It aint happening.

Annabelle. She’s so messed up about this situation with her parents and Michael. I understand why she can’t talk to them and why she has kept this side of herself hidden from everyone for so long, but she has to do something to put an end to this crap. Her dad seems to have a radar out on her. Every move she makes, he seems to know about. I know one thing, if she goes back to Michael and he tries to touch her in any way that’s not tender one more time, despite me shouting out about being a pacifist, I will rip that bastard’s head off and I am sure Si and Joel will help me. At least she hasn’t cut herself lately. At least two months without that drama. She still hasn’t spoken to Si about what happened between them and that annoys me because he’s clearly still in love with her and hasn’t a clue why she just kicked his ass to the curb and is now ignoring him. She’s feeling guilty and that’s her way of dealing with that. I have told her to talk it through with him but she says she can’t. I don’t want to interfere. She also told me that she wants to go back to the house every evening so she can spend some time with Lou, but of course that’s to stay between me and her. I honestly don’t see the problem with telling everyone else, we’re meant to be close mates for Christ’s sake. It really doesn’t seem so lately.

Joel. Well, I have already tried to talk to him about his attitude, especially towards Simon. He doesn’t seem to get anyone else’s viewpoint. His is about as empathetic as a wet towel. I don’t know what to do or say to make him realise what a dick he is being. He wasn’t like this when I first met him, we used to have a right laugh and he was really kind to people. Now, all he wants to do is get drunk and stoned and spend his Dad’s money. I’ve got a bad feeling about him. He’s brewing something up, I know it.

Si is clearly suffering from PTSD. Chloe has spoken to her Mum about how he reacts to things, like his obsession with human darkness and pain. Yes, he was always a dark soul, but now even more so and with more verve. This film he wants to make is fucking sick and I am an open minded guy! Chlo says his temper is fraying over really small things and before we came out here he would pick on her about things he knows she is sensitive about. He has always been serious and pessimistic about the world, but never insensitive.

Thank fuck I’ve got Clo to talk to, she never changes bless her. So innocent, yet clued up. So easy going yet amazingly complex. So much like me in so many ways. That’s why we can talk all night and never feel like we have to explain ourselves to each other. With Casey, it’s not as easy, not as flowing. It’s more of an effort as she has got so many barriers up to her relationships with people. I have to walk on egg shells sometimes in case she snaps at me or gets offended that we don’t agree wholeheartedly in every aspect of our lives. I have tried to explain that I’m not trying to make conflict, I’m trying to communicate and get to know her better. We can’t agree on every single thing. We get along because in some aspects we challenge each other and that’s how we grow as people. She doesn’t get that, she wants perfection as though I am the only one she needs and therefore we have to be identical twins with different mothers! It stresses me out, but I love her so passionately that I sometimes can’t breathe without her beside me.

At least I think I sorted things out with Si. He’s my best bud and he knows how tough things are right now for me financially. I promised him I would help him as much as possible while I’m here during the day and he seemed grateful. I saw my old pal back again for a while. I just hope Casey will be ok here on her own. She seems to have bonded with Chloe which is great, but a little bit unexpected. Out of all my friends, I was expecting her to get along with Joel best, not Chlo. She has told me often enough that she doesn’t really get on with girls, especially girly, pretty, hippie ones, (her own words) but they seem pretty solid already. Good, because she has got her shackles up big style when Belle’s around and I wouldn’t like to imagine what could happen if either of them started bitching. They are so alike, they don’t realise! If only Case could get over the ridiculous notion that Belle’s in love with me, they would be inseparable I guarantee that. I know Annabelle is a little hurt about the vibe she’s getting off Case, but again, I am not going to get myself  involved. I don’t want to hear bitching from either of them about either of them. Straight up no. Casey will be fine with Chloe and Simon. He told me not to worry about her while I’m gone and that he’ll look out for her. Maybe it’s exactly what I need, you know, a few hours away from here every evening just to clear my head…..



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