Saturday August 2nd
I’m so fucking stressed, it feels like my skull is in a vice. Every direction I look in, there’s worry, there’s everyone in my face, expecting this and that of me and I can’t give it, I just fucking can’t. Then the one I do need around won’t even look at me.
I want to get this nightmare over and done, I want to feel ok again. The accident has really stripped me of my normalcy. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I can’t laugh. Just flash backs. Noise, screeching. The screaming. I can’t even remember it in pictures, my brain has literally blocked it all out. Too much to bare.
Cooper wants my film piece in two weeks. How the hell am I supposed to do that? I can barely get up in the morning let alone get creative. I know the guys are with me and want to help me but at the end of the day, it’s my piece. I have to get all the shit together, I have to direct it, I have to have the script and the angle. Thank crap that Lee is with me. I don’t know about Joel, he got his done and he’s all in summer holiday mode and just wants to party. Yes, so do I dude, but look at me. I feel like it has taken all my energy just to find the abandoned school. It didn’t even take that much work, I found it online and just called up the owner. Job done. But I feel like my brain has been sliced in two and replaced with poisonous fluid that’s eating me away. Lee says I need to see a Counsellor, but I’m petrified, to tell the truth. I can’t talk to my mates about it so how in the name of fruck will I be able to sit in front of a complete stranger and spill it all out?
I will get over it. I mean it wasn’t even my fault so I don’t know why I feel so guilty. It was the other guy, the one in the truck. He’s still hospitalized as far as I know, but then why can’t I sleep? Why do I feel so angry?
I just need to get this two weeks over. Project handed in. Then I’ll suggest to the guys that we take a week off and just chill. There’s Annabelle as well. It has just gone way beyond too late for me to approach her about what happened between us. She is so fucking cold as if the whole thing never happened. I don’t get her, I have tried to figure her out, but no. She’s being a bitch and I can’t look at her any more let alone talk to her about it. I wish I could stop feeling this way, I don’t want to be in love with her. I don’t know how to stop it. I asked her to be in my film, kind of hoping that if we get to work on it together, she’ll come round and we’ll be ok again. And I would be with her if she changed her mind. Despite my bitterness at her, I want her badly.
That car journey was awful, not just because it took all my strength and willpower to stop myself opening that door and launching my broken body out and into a field, but because the others didn’t help. Annabelle was all stroppy, starting off with being crabby cos of all the food boxes going in her boot. Just because she doesn’t eat, doesn’t mean we’ve all got a disorder going on. Then Joel was antagonizing her trying to get her CDs off her. Come on, man. Leave her alone. She’s obviously got issues going on and doesn’t need your goonface right there. I hope Joel’s not gonna be a complete clown the whole week. He can go ski because some of us have got serious dead lines to meet.
Lee is all loved up, which I don’t begrudge at all, he’s my man. Just that if Casey’s there all the time, he won’t be focussing on film making. I don’t blame him, neither would I if I was with a girl like her. She’s smoke. I mean Jesus, for Annabelle to have an obvious envy going on, she must be something else. I wouldn’t like to get on the wrong side of her though, from that almost word-scrap she had with Anna. Way to go Casey! Someone needs to put Anna in her place at times, the cocky cow. (Fucking love her). Good or bad, she’s here and has agreed to help, I’ve got to just keep my eye on the work and not get too involved with the drinking. It’s gonna be hard.
I keep telling myself, I’ve got Lee, I’ve got Joel, I’ve got Chloe. I can talk to them whenever, especially Lee. I will jump right in at the deep end and sink my teeth into this project. Yes, I reckon it’s just what I need right now.
We’re all here. Chloe turned up at about10pm and we were all quite cut by then, so got bunked down in the main lounge by midnight. Dull as!
I’ve been lying here on this mashed up sofa that I dragged through from the Chandelier room as they are all calling it. I found this room by complete accident actually. It’s empty except for my new bed for the night. I got sick of listening to Anna sobbing her heart out in the dark and not answering me when I asked her what was wrong. I thought about just slipping inside her sleeping bag and cuddling her but I had disturbing vision of her slapping me or worse dragging those sharp nails down my cheek (or buttock haha) and running off, screaming into the dark depths of nowhere. Dez and Casey had taken their stuff and disappeared, probably wanted some ‘lone time without us lot listening in. I don’t blame him. I’ve decided she’s literally white hot, Casey. Even more so that Anna, truth be told. Shame that best buds’ girlfriends are totally off limits. I don’t want to demolish my friendship with Lee now, however, I have been getting very strong vibes kindling under the surface from her towards me this evening, which makes it all the more difficult to ignore. She’s really sweet to look at with that weird pale purple Lilac hair right down to her waist and the way it’s just ruffled and ‘fuck it’ styled. Her eyes are pale blue but she wears thick black liner and makes long wings like Cleopatra. I love that look. She had on some awesome jeans, really tight, and purple toe nails poking out from under the hem. Flip flops…hmmm. Just a tie dye blouse, all loose but clinging in all the right places. She gave Annabelle what for about some urban exploring stuff earlier, bad ass. Man, I swear I have to quit perving on her!
Chloe swirled in as usual and embraced everyone with her cosmic love! I don’t really know if her being here is going to help much. I can’t see where I can utilise her. She’ll be all about making some romantic film in the ruins and getting all witchy about it. I must admit swanning around the place stark butt naked would be interesting. I should mention that too her. Haha. But seriously I want this film to be shocking and raw, not oozing peace and butterflies. She seemed to latch onto Casey nicely. I didn’t expect that. I know how she feels though. Ok ‘nuff said.
Yeh so this place. Mr. Drewman, the guy that owns this place, is renovating it into flats I think he said, but the workers won’t be around for another two weeks. I gave him like 50 quid for electric and he made me promise I wouldn’t fuck anything up. I felt like saying, man, have you seen it lately? I think years of neglect have done an awesome job of that already!
This mashed up heap of crap I’m lying on right now has got some very strange patterns on it.
Woah. I just shone the torch on it and it’s like, covered one end with graffiti writing all done in different coloured biro pens, at least I think it’s biro. It doesn’t come off. I thought it was mould at first when I glanced at it, but it’s not mould. It’s pretty cool actually. Here are some things I can make out:
Come back to (something) like great daisy mirrors in winter storms
Gossoon Anabiosis, sitooterie, ‘Rhyparographer’…………..wtf?
There are also loads of spider web patterns, leaves, flowers, (roses mainly) and what look like ancient symbols. Yep, a pentagram. Excellent!
Ok, what can I write?
I’ve just written a quote by Camus. There are so many to choose from so I’ll just keep adding. This one first:
“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”
If only it were that easy, Albert.
What I LOVE about this room is this. It has got a huuuuge window stretching across the front, the whole wall is a window. The best bit? There’s no glass! So, I am just smoking away like a free bird. There’s a cool breeze coming in and it’s light enough to see the trees and branches curling their way in like they are reaching for me. I can hear an owl as well. Far away somewhere.
I reckon the others will be hanging out here all the time, IF I decide to tell them about it! I could just keep it for myself………..
I can’t sleep again tonight. I saw the crash repeating again and again in front of my blood red eyes. But when I woke up I didn’t remember anything. Just the feelings. The terror.
I’ll sit here til the sun comes up. It’s peaceful. I need that.