Saturday 2nd August.
Today I drove Si, Joel, Lee and his girlfriend to the old derelict place that Si found and has dragged us, to make his film. The one that should have been done a month ago. I don’t know why the hell I agreed to this, only that there’s no way until hell freezes over that I am going home to Surrey this summer. Michael and my parents 24/7? I would rather die. And that’s not even a joke.
Of course, Michael has been calling me relentlessly all day, cursing me out and threatening me, if I don’t come ‘home’ he’s going to come here and drag me home. I’m not picking up on his ass any more now. Let’s see him do that when I’m locked up in this remote abandoned wreck in the middle of nowhere and with my guys to protect me. Well, Lee will at least, like he did before when Michael turned up at the house. Chloe would probably go frickin apeshit again and try and batter him with anything within her reach. No, he can’t get to me here and my parents don’t give a shit whether I go there or not. They are in the Dominican Republic again anyway.
So Lee told me this morning about Casey coming with us. Nothing against her, she seems cool, but I just get twitchy when she’s around cos he doesn’t speak to me as much. When I try and talk to him he seems distant. I know he’s in crazy love cos he’s told me over and over and Chlo keeps telling me, but that’s no excuse to ignore everyone else. I just said something back to him like, ‘but please don’t just go off and disappear, I need you too’ and he stared at me for a few seconds, hugged me and said he will be there for me but he wants to spend time with Casey as he hasn’t seen her for months. I just saw red, I mean who else understands? Chloe does but she hates Michael and when I mention his name she turns away like she can’t stand to talk about him. I get why she doesn’t like him but I have my reasons for being with him so she should like, just accept him.
I just find Lee comforting. He is the only guy I can let into my personal space, the only one who I can hug. He makes me feel better, he makes me remember that not all guys hit and not all guys are arseholes.
But Casey’s got him now. For two weeks. I just can’t help being a bit jealous of that.
Him and Casey were all snuggled up in the back seat, he was all smiley and loved up. I could see in his face and the way he had his arm round her that she was all he was thinking about. She was all flushed and pretty, despite her dark Kohl eyes that she had obviously spent a lot of time making up. Just for Lee. He kept whispering in her ear and she was all like giggly and loud, whispering into his shoulder. He kept squeezing her knees and she would laugh even more and bury her head in his chest. I kept looking at them through the rear view mirror, wishing I had that with someone. I’ll never have it with Michael and I don’t want it with him. I hate him right now.
Si wasn’t talking much. He’s still traumatized from the accident and apparently he told Lee that he gets flash backs when he goes in a car. He had the window down and was smoking like a chimney all the way. Poor Si. I just don’t know what to say to him cos he doesn’t talk to me any more. Not one single sentence since that night of regret, (on my part at least) only to ask me if I would be in this film. Lee says I should talk to him about it but I just can’t. Huge. Can. Of. Worms.
Joel was being his usual dickweed self but I gotta love him. He keeps me from going completely bat shit crazy at times. It was nice to have him in the front seat with me taking the piss out of my music and trying to fight me for the CDs I keep in the car. I can’t believe he actually got the Chili Peps out of the CD player and chucked it at Si. Si owes me for that. I know it was an old album but one of my faves. Prick. I might go back one morning and see if I can find it in that field. It’ll be fucked by then probably. Fucked right up.
I don’t know how I’m gonna cope with spending two weeks with the lovebirds. I will try my best not to be a bitch about it, but if Lee doesn’t spend time with us I will have to say something. I don’t know about Casey, she’s young and seems a bit too stuck up for my liking. She never spoke to anyone when she arrived at the house yesterday, just went straight up to Lee’s room and closed the door. Wow. Friendly.
I’ll try and talk to Si as well. I just don’t know how to start the convo. It’s as awkward as arse. He wants me to ‘act’ in the film so we’ll have to talk to each other! Shit. I have to keep reminding myself; Where would I rather be? In Surrey, a prisoner in a cold place called home that could house half of the population of China, being bullied by Michael while my parents swan around in the DR not giving a flying crap about me or anyone else, coming back every fortnight just to shove dirty laundry in the washer and back out again in a few days on their next long haul flight to ignoramus land? Or with my ‘chosen family’, chilling out in a cool abandoned school, getting drunk, partying the nights away and not caring? Yep. Think on it, Anna. Life is ok. Except for the big stain in the back of the SUV. I told them to seal the food boxes properly the dumb asses. Now it’s like a vegetarian gravy bistro in the back. I’m off to get Chloe now, before everyone starts drinking. i really need a drink tonight so I’m not waiting around for Joel to get his act together and come with me. Lee’s staying back her with her, he’s right under the thumb as well. Why does he let people walk all over him?
I’m sitting on the grand stairs, looking out into the darkness. The others are getting their bedding sorted out in the chandelier room so I’m letting them settle down before I go in.
I hope tomorrow’s a better day. Casey has been a stuck up little madam, getting at me for saying I wanted to put the chandelier in my bag. FFS. What’s her problem? Getting all up her own about Urbex, or whatever it was. I was just trying to lighten the atmos. I’m glad there’s one room in this place that’s clean, the kitchen. I put heaps of cleaning products in the SUV because I can’t bare the thought of peeing into shit stained toilets or eating off mouldy table surfaces.
So as I suspected, negated by Lee and the others once the drinking started. They clearly FORGOT that I had to go and fetch Chloe, and all started necking drinks. Great, cheers guys. I’m loving my invisible fucking wine. Lee has been all over Casey like a soppy puppy. I’m glad he’s happy, but I can tell she loves having him at her beck and call. Even Joel might as well have been pouring his wine straight down her throat, offering it to her as if she’s Queen of fucking Sheba. Simon couldn’t keep his eyes off her. When Lee kissed her in the kitchen, they were all but salivating. I had to get out. I went for a few ciggies outside and then went to pick up Chloe.
It was nice to talk to her. She’s always so upbeat. She was asking about Casey and I told her the truth as I see it, but typical Chlo, always wanting to see the best in people. No, she was saying, I’m sure she’s lovely. Imagine how you would feel meeting us lot, blah, blah. Ok, whatevs. She’s grating on my nerves. End of.
I was telling Chlo about my OCD and how I think it’s getting worse. She says I need to alter my mindset and try some meditation like she does. I’ve tried that and I just sat there feeling like a douche, thinking about Michael and Lou. Great meditation, not. She asked about Mick and I told her he has been calling me but I’ve given up answering cos he just threatens me. I know it makes her mad and she tries to understand, but she doesn’t know the real reason why I can’t talk to my parents and be honest about him. No one does. Except Lou, but I don’t want to keep hassling her about it because she’s like, please just DUMP his ass. Then she wants to see me, and it’s all complicated now that I have to be here for the filming.
Oh yeh! This. When I was having a cigarette outside with Jo and Si, they were both properly trashed and they were very loose tongued about Casey. I was trying to make them see from my angle how she’s being a bitch, but Simon specially was all sticking up for her and he had this bizarre look on his face the whole time. I have NEVER seen him talk about a girl like that. I am pretty sure he never talked to the others about me like that! Joel was just being Joel, making jokes out of it saying she was a hotbot and silly shit. Idiot boys! They are both clearly lusting after her. Sickening. At least it’ll get Simon off my case hopefully. Then I won’t have to explain anything and it’ll all be forgotten about.
Right, I’m going to set up. I want to sleep near Lee, just in case I have those nightmares again. Having a good bloke next to me seems to keep those violent ones at bay. Let’s hope.